I wish to take this opportunity to thank you for your patience and understanding during this recent spending spree I have been on. I appreciate your willingness to let me use your money…all of it…towards acheiving those things that are of most interest to me. Rest assured I have every intention of repaying the money I have borrowed though it seems likely you will only be seeing the minimum amount due each month for some time into the future. You see, it is hard to say “no” to the people who depend on me to give them all the things they ask for. When Little Johnnie asked for that awesome new four-wheeler (read “new bridge project in Connecticut”) how could I look into those blue eyes and say no? And when Suzie asked for the newest Northamerican Girl, complete with the furniture set and accompanying sleigh and horse (read “sewer main extension in Texas”)? Awwww jeez, you should have seen the crocodile tears rolling down her cheeks. There was no way I was going to play the bad guy there. And the SUV my wife wanted (read “funding to study the reproductive habits of the albino Sea Gulls of the Gulf Coast of Florida”). You know the one with the chrome on chrome steering wheel and leather seats that heat, cool, and massage while getting six miles to the gallon, ON THE HIGHWAY. She looks awesome sitting behind the wheel of that motha let me tell you. The Armani sun glasses (I charged those too you might have guessed) add just the right bad-ass image as she drives that tank down the road.
Me? Don’t you worry none about me. I’m being pampered too despite this constricting feeling I have around my neck (read “you creditors”) that all this debt is putting on me. You know it’s a two-way street here. I rub their back, they rub mine. Why all three of them, just the other day, came home with a brand new leather jacket for dear ole dad made from the pelt of a South African Jackle (read “any one of the 9,129 pork barrel projects that passed through congress in 2010“). Do you have any idea how rare they are? Cost a fortune I’m sure. I didn’t ask though I am sure I will sneak a peek when the statement comes next month. Ugh, by the way there First Bank of Bangladesh, wifey could have done without the humiliation of you having her card confiscated and shredded before her eyes right there at the check out counter. Thank goodness there was still wiggle room on the 7/2nd Bank card to pull of this sweet little transaction.
Now, I am sure all of you creditors have been talking amongst yourselves, about me, but fear not. I have a plan! Just as soon as the credit app I sent in yesterday gets approved and I receive my new card and those fancy “transfer your balance” checks arrive I will be sending out your requested minimum payments for last months bills. In the meantime I would appreciate it if you could hold off on sending out this months bills until you receive the go-ahead from me. Preciate it! You see, it is not easy raising my debt limit ceiling when I’ve got so much baggage to carry. And, quite frankly, it’s getting heavier every day. And the last thing I want to do is default on what I owe you. No, wait, the last thing I want to do is tell my family (read “constituents”) they can’t have everything they want because then they might not let me live here anymore (read “vote for me in the next election and send me back home to, gulp, work for a living”). Anywho, with a little bit of luck I can continue to hold you guys off long enough until I keel over thus passing this little tragedy off on Little Johnnie (lol! Good luck kid!).
Indebted to You Always,